Monday, June 9th. We are back home now. We landed in Nashville around 10AM, and Maria's friend Jennifer (that's the way Maria says it, but I like to think of her as my friend as well) picked us up. We made it home around noon. As I type, it is about 7:30PM, and Maria and Joshua are already asleep. I am sitting at the computer fighting sleep, but forcing myself to complete this entry.
I have thought so many times of what to say of this final entry into this journey. I am tired and disappointed to say the least, but I came away from this trip with a new found respect for what I have in this country. I have also experienced the amazing power of God's love and grace. When we started the adoption process back in 2004, I didn't really know whether I would be capable of loving a child that was not biologically mine. With our failed adoption (domestic) in 2005, I didn't really allow myself to become close to the girl (Hannah) who was supposed to be our daughter. It didn't feel right. I promised myself that on this trip I would not allow hesitation or fear to grip me. From the start, I let go of the thought that this little girl was somebody else's daughter and that she was mine. It allowed me to become her father, and with that came the grief of losing my daughter.
I have a son, Joshua, who is the epitome of "all boy". When Maria became pregnant in 1997, the first thought I had was that I hope and pray that we have a boy. I envisioned what his life was going to be like and it was going to be far removed of what my life was like growing up. Within the past year I have said, and am sitting here now thinking that I wish that Joshua could experience some of the things that I had to experience as a child. Joshua and I still have that bond that one day will go beyond father and son. Don't get me wrong, he competes for the top prize in two of the cliche's my father used to say: "You make me so mad, I could bite an 8-penny nail into" and "You are so loud that you would give an aspirin a headache." And with each passing day, I see him trying to become more independent (with the things he wants to be).
But with a daughter, it was supposed to be different. And with Aimana, it truly was different. As a preemie she was so petite and so dependent. Again I had already envisioned what we, as a family, were going to do. I let myself not think of her as someone else's daughter. She was mine. And when we made our decision to not accept her, it truly was as if there was a death in the family. We as a family grieved over our decision both before and after.
And in our grieving, it was where we saw God's love and grace. The emails, comments to the blog, and phone calls that you sent to us indicating that you were praying for us or thinking of us was overwhelming. At times I couldn't read your comments from becoming emotional. But with each passing day God's grace and presence has sustained us. We are at peace with our decision and rest assured knowing that Aimana's information will be looked at in the United States to help choose the direction of care she needs.
So, we come to the end of the journey, or is it. The title of my blog says A Dad's Journey to His Daughter. I am not disrespecting Aimana, but I still do not have my daughter. So the journey continues. Check back at times as I may post tidbits of where we are on the journey.
P.S.
As I was typing this post, a song from long ago kept popping up in my head. I can't remember the name of the song or all the verses, but it was at my high school graduation in 1982 and we sang this song as a choir. I thought how appropriate it is as it applies to our journey. Here are some of the lyrics: "I'm going to keep on going down the road, I'm going to hold my head up high. I'm going to follow where the pathway leads till it reaches to the sky. And if I should meet another, at the turning of the bend, then I'll travel out my future with a friend. For I know the One that made this road is aware of where it goes....
Monday, June 9, 2008
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
My Future's So Bright, I Gotta' Wear Shades
Tuesday. Today is June 3rd. We left earlier today to go sign the power of attorney papers with our coordinator. Then it was off to see the Princess. Ellie was a lot more animated today. We were told that the formula had caused her some problems, but that they cut back on the amount that they were using. A friend of Maria's, who is also from Nashville and adopting a child at this orphanage, gave Maria some glasses for Ellie. They are so cool. I wish that I could post some pictures of Ellie with her glasses on for you to see. It was a good visit today. Ellie was awake and very expressive. We were told that we would get to watch her get her massage. They started massaging her yesterday and will do so for the next month. Let me tell you that she took to that massage and was cooing and purring. Maria took pictures. I went back to the courtyard to get the camcorder because I wanted people to hear how she just grunted and cooed. They wanted us to see so that we could continue with the massage's when we get home. After massage, it was time for formula. Maria fed her again and this time she was back to her old self for eating. Maria has some awesome pictures of the Princess with her eyes closed as she was heading for la la land after her massage and feeding.
We are happy in that we get to visit her everyday now until we leave. We headed back to the room to get some things done and then it was off to the BETA Store for some more diapers and formula. I guess we should get use to that. We got back to the room and hung out a little more. We decided that we would go back and eat at the Italian restaurant that we ate at yesterday. Maria had lasagna, Josh had grilled chicken and rosemary potatoes, and I had what I had yesterday. Why change. It was good yesterday. It should be good today. It was then back to the room to do some more work, catch up on posting, and hit the bed.
We are happy in that we get to visit her everyday now until we leave. We headed back to the room to get some things done and then it was off to the BETA Store for some more diapers and formula. I guess we should get use to that. We got back to the room and hung out a little more. We decided that we would go back and eat at the Italian restaurant that we ate at yesterday. Maria had lasagna, Josh had grilled chicken and rosemary potatoes, and I had what I had yesterday. Why change. It was good yesterday. It should be good today. It was then back to the room to do some more work, catch up on posting, and hit the bed.
Who's ZSUMing Who?
Monday. Today is June 2nd. Again, it is a down day for us as we don't get to see Ellie and we are concerned because she was not feeling well yesterday. Maria called Aliya, our interpreter, and told her of our concerns. We were hanging out in the room, trying to figure out what we were going to do today, when we realized that is was now 11AM and Joshua was still asleep. We finally roused him, got him a shower, and decided to go souvenir shopping. We strolled over to an Italian restaurant recommended by one of Maria's friends from the adoption group. Let me tell you - it was the best Italian food I have had in a while. This place beat the other Italian restaurant hands down. I believe this place is called The Cyclone. After eating, we headed to ZSUM, a 5-story department store. This place is the BETA Store on speed. One thing we have noticed over here is that people will run over you if you stop and they are very rude to you as a foreigner. I hope that I am not seen like this back home. And if I were in the past, being over here has made me realize that I need to be more cognizant of the people that are around me, whether I know them or not.
We picked up several souvenirs for Ellie's room so she will have a little bit of her heritage with her. Josh got himself a horse's whip and some postcards. After shopping for an hour, it was time to make our way back to the room. This involved about a one and one-half mile walk. Be mindful, other than our trips to the orphanage in Tokmok, we walk everywhere over here. Fortunately, they were changing the guards at the area next to the White House and we got to observe the guards doing the traditional Russian high step. If we venture out again, I would like to have the camcorder to video it. We made it back to the room around 5PM. It was lights out for all of us at 9PM as we were tired from today's events and we needed to be ready at 8:20 tomorrow to go sign some papers.
We picked up several souvenirs for Ellie's room so she will have a little bit of her heritage with her. Josh got himself a horse's whip and some postcards. After shopping for an hour, it was time to make our way back to the room. This involved about a one and one-half mile walk. Be mindful, other than our trips to the orphanage in Tokmok, we walk everywhere over here. Fortunately, they were changing the guards at the area next to the White House and we got to observe the guards doing the traditional Russian high step. If we venture out again, I would like to have the camcorder to video it. We made it back to the room around 5PM. It was lights out for all of us at 9PM as we were tired from today's events and we needed to be ready at 8:20 tomorrow to go sign some papers.
Off We Go Into the Wild Blue Yonder
Sunday. Today is June 1st. It is the 10 year anniversary of my employment with my company, QORE. They have been very good to me and my branch has been very supportive of our adoption and my trip over here. I have been working on some reports in the evenings and need to get them emailed back to be distributed.
Enough of work. Let's talk about The Princess. Today, Ellie wasn't feeling well. She wouldn't take her pacifier, she fidgeted, had the hiccups, burped - yes, burped. Joshua is going to have a challenge on his hands. She wouldn't even eat her formula. We think that it is because of the formula change, but we are here today without our interpreter, so we hand to communicate with the caregivers by hand gestures. While we were with Ellie, a huge group of men and women came through the entrance of the orphanage. I thought it strange and realized that they were Americans (we stand out in a crowd as we are the only ones wearing tennis shoes, blue jeans and t-shirts). After spending some time with Ellie, I was standing in the courtyard as two of them headed out to the street to take a smoke. On there way back through, they said hello and realized that we were Americans as well. Turns out that they are service men and women with the American Airbase stationed at Manas International Airport in Bishkek. The airbase provides support operations for the efforts in this part of the world. Today, was International Children's Day in Kyrgyzstan, an event sponsored by Unicef, and they were stopping by orphanages to deliver supplies. They help support this orphanage and 9 others throughout the region. It was humbling to see these men and women, who put their lives on the line daily, to stop and visit with these children.
We left the orphanage and went to see a historical place not to far from Tokmok. You can read more about it in Maria's and Joshua's blog. After that, it was time to head back home - Bishkek that is.
Enough of work. Let's talk about The Princess. Today, Ellie wasn't feeling well. She wouldn't take her pacifier, she fidgeted, had the hiccups, burped - yes, burped. Joshua is going to have a challenge on his hands. She wouldn't even eat her formula. We think that it is because of the formula change, but we are here today without our interpreter, so we hand to communicate with the caregivers by hand gestures. While we were with Ellie, a huge group of men and women came through the entrance of the orphanage. I thought it strange and realized that they were Americans (we stand out in a crowd as we are the only ones wearing tennis shoes, blue jeans and t-shirts). After spending some time with Ellie, I was standing in the courtyard as two of them headed out to the street to take a smoke. On there way back through, they said hello and realized that we were Americans as well. Turns out that they are service men and women with the American Airbase stationed at Manas International Airport in Bishkek. The airbase provides support operations for the efforts in this part of the world. Today, was International Children's Day in Kyrgyzstan, an event sponsored by Unicef, and they were stopping by orphanages to deliver supplies. They help support this orphanage and 9 others throughout the region. It was humbling to see these men and women, who put their lives on the line daily, to stop and visit with these children.
We left the orphanage and went to see a historical place not to far from Tokmok. You can read more about it in Maria's and Joshua's blog. After that, it was time to head back home - Bishkek that is.
NO PROBLEMA!!!!!
Saturday. It is May 31st and we get to see Ellie (or The Princess) as she is now being called. We traveled to Tokmok again with our cameras, camcorder, water, backpacks and snacks. Today we were taking formula and pacifiers for Ellie. As always, Josh and I wait in the courtyard for Maria to go get The Princess. After a short while, she comes around the corner and we all fight to get to see who holds her. Josh has really taken to her. He wants to hold her and gets upset when we take "our" turn. He will be a very protective big brother. Our time with her seems so short. You are sitting there holding her, kissing her forehead, placing your fingers in her little hand to see if she will grab it, wondering if she is focusing in on you with her eyes, and before you know it, it is time to leave. Today, Maria got to feed her. This little girl packed away 100ml of formula in less than 5 minutes. After eating, it was time for us to leave. We rode with Victor today, and on the way back we passed an accident. The only words Victor spoke during the entire trip that day (both coming and going), was "problema" in regards to the accident.
I found out today that I will be coming back to pick Ellie up as my name is on the documents and I will have to go before the embassy in Almaty.
We got back to Bishkek, relaxed for a bit and then went to the Metro for our American food fix. We get to see Ellie again tomorrow. So, we headed off to bed for an early morning rise.
I found out today that I will be coming back to pick Ellie up as my name is on the documents and I will have to go before the embassy in Almaty.
We got back to Bishkek, relaxed for a bit and then went to the Metro for our American food fix. We get to see Ellie again tomorrow. So, we headed off to bed for an early morning rise.
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